Not So Blonde

Random Observations to Avoid Talking About What I Don’t Want to Talk About

So in case you haven’t already heard, R deployed today. I’m not going to post about that because my sniveling about R being away and being gone has been done on this ‘chea blog and I just don’t feel like going there right now.

By the way, don’t hold me to that. It’s probably going to come one day when I’m drunk off my ass, haven’t heard from R in weeks and feeling sorry for myself.

But right now, let’s talk about TV. Yes, I know I post way too much about TV and it’s shocking to even me how much TV I have been watching lately. I never used to be like this. Call it boredom, call it … well, just call it boredom. Severe, unadulterated boredom.

Who watches the WE Network? Let me tell y’all, WE is the new Lifetime for me. Really, if you’ve seen one Lifetime movie you have seen them ALL.

In addition to a variety of wedding based shows WE offers (and I watch each & every one), I also get sucked into 20/20 reruns they play regularly. You want to kill an hour or 4? WE comes to the rescue with back-to-back episodes.

Tonight, while waiting for Top Chef to start, I got sucked into this episode of 20/20. Rather than commenting on that whole sad affair (and it really was heart wrenching), let’s focus on this:

Usually when I’m parked in front of the TV for hours on end I’m laying in bed and either reading a magazine, playing with the cats, reading a book, dozing off, staring into space while drool hits the pillow… but that mop? That had me sit up in bed. And you could also reasonably surmise that it had me expel further energy by having me dive for my phone so I could share it with you all.

I’m so offended by this hair. I mean we all have bad hair days but I think the chance of having a bad hair day is made exponentially greater when one a) let’s their roots grow out to unacceptable lengths b) let’s it do whatever the F it wants in an unbecoming frizzy lion’s mane (no disrespect to lions). And worst of all? She knew she was going to be on TV! This wasn’t some ambush interview!

I barely had time to recover from this… this… THIS… when a commercial for the Miss USA (I think? I was far too preoccupied recovering from horror hair) pageant and guess who’s host? Go on, guess…

No.
Nope.
Nyet.

Mario F’ing Lopez, y’all! Why is that skeeve-fest hosting a beauty pageant? My wit game is on Empty right now (in case you haven’t already noticed) so here’s where you can make up your own joke on what could be akin to MARIO F’ING LOPEZ in the same location with a multitude of supple young women: __________________________!

Haha! Good one!

Blessedly, Top Chef finally comes on. I never thought I’d be so happy to see Jamie’s whining ass in my life. And? I don’t hate Stefan like I normally hate the smug asshole front-runners (read: Hung). Stefan is annoying yet amusing while smug asshole front-runners are usually just annoying (Hung).

Some questions for you:

1. When Leah called the Red Snapper “skanky” in the quickfire, was I the only one that barked out: Skank for the skank! Just me? Fine.
2. When Leah and Hosea were making out on the couch, complete with porno music being played softly enough for their smooches to be heard, did you think you’d vomit? More than a little?
3. Were you surprised Jamie sleeps cuddled up with a stuffed animal? (Something Hosea and Leah SHOULD be cuddled up with instead of each other.)
4. Multiple choice time! When Hosea and Leah were acting all guilty the day of the challenge over “flirting too much” the night before did you think they: a) seemed awfully gutted over a few smooches b) SHOULD have been feeling guilty they way they have been carrying on thus far c) only felt guilty because they somehow figured out their “flirting” (Hosea, call it what it is) was caught on camera or d) all of the above?
5. Was Sunset Lounge a horrible name or am I scarred for life from a trip to a bar of the same name with my friend Veronica years ago? Something about guys buying us drinks and chatting us up all night with the night culminating in the guys telling us to take THEM to breakfast at Denny’s. And when we turned down this most chivalrous offer we were told: “We shouldn’t have bought your asses those damn drinks!” Classy. Wait… yeah. I still think Sunset Lounge would be an awful name.
6. Who had the better one-liner? Jeff saying he felt like a “hummingbird on cocaine” (so using that in the near future) or Fabio saying they could serve “monkey ass in an empty clam shell” and still win the challenge?
7. When they flashed on Stefan’s dessert, did you think the garnish was either green olives or jalapenos? Be honest:

I guess that’s enough fun for one night. Wait. I’ll end with saying something nice so you won’t think I’ve completely tossed myself down the pit of bitchy despair: Padma’s hair looked fantastic tonight. Whew. That took a lot out of me. I think I’ll go pour myself a drink. Til next time, sweeties!

Misery loves company. Or, just likes to get it really drunk so it can laugh at it

I sometimes say the time R is away would go by much faster if I could date while he was gone. Of course I’m joking, if you don’t know I’m joking than, well, whatever.

I will say I’m fascinated by dating blogs. I like reading all about dating adventures and the bullshit that happens when one is out and about in the dating world.

Not that I miss it, too much, but okay… I kind of miss it. Actually, I don’t miss being single at all, I miss the companionship and dates buying me shit. And by buying me shit, I mean: food.

I love food. And food always tastes better when it’s free. And I love cocktails. And cocktails always taste better… Well, cocktails taste good regardless.

I miss getting dolled up, eating food, drinking cocktails and being squired around. Squired… *snicker* That makes me think of this:

Please tell me I’m not the only one old enough to remember this song.

One of the “exes” (he’s married now) and I chatted a bit on Facebook IM a couple of days ago. Normally, I don’t really like chatting anywhere with anyone, much less on Facebook. Gone are the days I’d have 6-7 IM windows open, keeping track of wildly divergent conversations while attempting to not send the wrong response to the wrong person.

Does anyone else shun IM’ing these days? I think I’d almost rather talk on the phone and if you know one thing about me, I HATE talking on the phone. But I think I’d rather clean out the cat box, while on the phone, than IM.

Anyway, the conversation on Facebook wasn’t that bad, sweet, actually. Talking about our respective relationships and telling each other we were glad the other was happy. I’m thinking it probably wasn’t the most riveting conversation for the guy but, hey, it is what it is.

One thing he said that amused me was that he had never seen me so public with a relationship, and he and I have known one another for at least… 10 years??? I wish I could sit down and remember, but I don’t. Time gets away when you get as old as me: TRUE STORY.

I had to kind of giggle at that statement, though, me being so public with R. Like I was keeping these other “involvements” under wraps, purposely not telling anyone a thing while I was busy being squired around town drinking cocktails and eating free food. Makes me sound like a player, I kind of like it.

But let’s be honest, Facebook and other online apps of the like, they don’t really hide much of anything. Someone changes their status from “in a relationship” to “single” and within an hour I see that person with a multitude of condolence comments.

The other factor is, and I’ve talked of it before, I don’t think of me being in a real relationship with much of anyone from the past. So why would I go around shouting from the rooftops that I have more-than-a-booty-call, less-than-an-engagement-ring with any old guy?

Since I don’t “count” many of my past involvements, the list of “exes” is understandably short. If I was being SUPER generous, I’d probably say I have 3 exes, not counting the kid’s dad. And I only say they’re an “ex” because of how they touched ME and my life, I have no idea how THEY feel.

Lastly, R and I have been together a long ass time. How do you hide 4.5 years of your life intertwined with someone else? Scary thought.

And, yes, here I go admitting I chatted with an “ex” when I always say I’m not big on being friends with them. Chatting once every blue moon is one thing, staying wrapped up in someone’s life unless you’re court ordered to do so is another. Trust me, if you’re court ordered to put up with an ex’s shit, staying friends with any of the others loses all of it’s panache.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this. I’m mostly just posting because I’m bored and bummed the TWoP forums on The Real Househos of Orange County has been closed. What a pisser. See, not only do I watch way too much reality TV, talk about the people featured like I know them, but I also read all about them online.

Not that I post there, I’m too chicken, oh! But I lurk like a mofo. It’s sick, I know. I feel dirty doing it yet I can’t help myself.

Speaking of feeling dirty, who else was grossed out by Tamra’s behavior at her dinner party? Even Malarkey (I like him, by the way) and Andy Cohen (he bugs, although I have new-found respect for him after putting RHoA’s Kim on the spot) both weighed in they were shocked by the behavior of the Barney clan. Whom I like to now refer to as: The Family That Preys.

I’m on the fence with Gretchen. I don’t really get her. I don’t know that I’d act the way she acts with a fiancee battling cancer but I’ve been willing to concede the point that I’m not in her shoes, so I really don’t know. She’s also a huge flirt and seems like she craves and NEEDS the acceptance of men. It’s all very strange BUT…

I would hope if I WERE ever in that position, that anyone (friend or otherwise) would not ply me with drinks to the point of wanting to get me “naked drunk” so I’d make an ass out of myself. And then, keep their creepy prematurely balding son waiting in the wings in order to put their moves on me in my inebriated state. Ick. Just, ick. I have to say it was the most uncomfortable 15-20 minutes of reality TV that I have ever watched, and this coming from a girl that watches the Bret Michaels Bus of F*** Tour.

Question of the day. What would you rather buy… this:

Or this…

With that, I’m off, NOT to read the TWoP boards. *sniffle*