Not So Blonde

Insomniac Maniac

I can’t sleep and since I left you all hanging I’d figured I’d pop in for a bit. I don’t think I could have picked a worse time to try and start blogging regularly again considering this month is busy as a mofo. Wait, is a mofo busy? Well, THIS mofo is busy.

Some random thoughts going thru my mind:

• The teen can’t seem to bring up his math grade.
• We’re having a meeting tomorrow to discuss putting him back into a regular Freshman math class.
• I’m not happy about this.
• Not that I don’t think he needs to go back to the regular math class, he does.
• But in doing so he’s going to be out of the Univ. HS program.
• Which makes no sense to me since the rest of his classes will still be AP.
• M is upset about it.
• I’ve talked with him about it a lot and have told him we’ll get thru this year.
• And see where we stand once he completes his Frosh (I love that word) year.
• If the dad says one more time, “He’s almost ready to drive…”
• Or, “He’s almost graduated…”
• He’s almost nothing, but almost a 15 year old kid that needs a teensy bit more support from his dad.
• It drives me insane.
• The dad is blaming M and I think it’s ridiculous.
• High school, especially an AP program, takes support from EVERYONE.
• You don’t just throw the kid in and say: SINK OR SWIM, BUDDY!
• I couldn’t even look at the dad when he was talking to me the other day.
• I wanted to punch him in his stupid face.
• How am I going to get thru this meeting tomorrow without a) punching him in his stupid face b) crying or c) giving the side eye to the step-mom by way of silently communicating, “Why are you HERE?”
• Oh wait, I’ll probably do c).
• Neither of them have done anything they said they’d do to help M besides put it all back on M.
• I kind of hate them both.
• It’s not very mature of me.
• F maturity.
• R, for the first time ever, has told me something he wants for Christmas.
• Sweaters.
• Where the F do you buy sweaters for a big man such as R?
• And he said sweaters, as in plural.
• So I need to find more than one.
• I came up with a couple of things I want to get him but he’ll be deployed soon-ish.
• I don’t want to load him down with crap that he’s either a) going to have to put in storage or b) take with him.
• He won’t take much with him.
• R is a very light traveler.
• He better take those damn sweaters, though.
• Sweaters.
• WTF?
• I told him I wanted a Blackberry.
• And perfume.
• And a new Michael Kors bag.
• To which he laughed and said, “Okay, now you’re pushing it.”
• I knew I was, I was mostly joking.
• But if he happens to find that white one I’ve had my eye on at the NEX, so be it.
• I’m not holding my breath.
• I don’t really want it.
• Or need it.
• But I want the perfume.
• Any perfume.
• I told him I wanted this one, I’ve told him about it before.
• But I changed my mind and said to pick something he likes.
• God help me.
• Ha.
• R likes none of my perfumes, really.
• So I’d like to wear something he likes.
• Even if he won’t be around to smell it on me.
• I’m not depressed about him leaving.
• Yet.
• I’m in a suspended reality where I’m used to him being gone.
• But with him still relatively safe being state-side.
• Most of the time.
• Most of the time being state-side, that is.
• Probably safe, too, come to think of it.
• R goes places and does things that he can’t always tell me about, until after the fact.
• It doesn’t really bother me.
• Until he tells me things that he does that I could have lived without knowing.
• So to clarify: It doesn’t bother me, when I don’t really know what’s going on.
• I always pretend he’s in San Diego no matter where he is anyway.
• Denial? I’m okay with it.
• Living this life is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
• And no one really understands unless they go thru it themselves.
• I would not trade it for anything, though.
• Every time I get down that he’s gone,
• And we haven’t been able to talk for a couple of weeks,
• I’ll read a few old emails.
• Or look at photos of us together.
• Or listen to our song (we finally decided on one).
• And I’ll remember…
• He’s worth it.
• It’s 3:30am.
• Maybe I’ll be able to sleep for a couple of hours.
• Let’s hope.
• I’ll let Adele sing me to sleep…

Reflection

I figured I’d better take the maintenance screen down so people wouldn’t think I was gone for good. I’m not sure if I want to be gone for good yet, we’ll see.

Temporarily, I wanted to take a step back because I was feeling very sorry for myself, wallowing, drinking lots of wine, smoking too many cigarettes. Just not doing good at all and I didn’t want to talk about it.

I hate when I allow myself to wallow because you can’t go anywhere from there. Well, you can. You can go up… but I never see that when I’m wallowing.

It’s going to be a long, hard road til R and I are together again, this I know. But I can make the best of it or I can’t… and I’d much rather make the best of it.

This isn’t some rah, rah siss boom bah bullshit post. I need to make a decision to make things better and I’m attempting to do so. I’m going to have good days and bad days. Hey, sorta like LIFE.

One thing I need to do is stop drinking so much - as I take a sip of wine… ha. But it’s the first glass I’ve had in a few days and trust me, the way I was getting? That’s great for me.

All I wanted to do every day after work was have a drink (or two, or more) and go to bed early because I didn’t want to feel anything.

The problem with not wanting to feel anything is you don’t feel anything good, either. Everything suffers. I’m not as patient with the teen, I don’t get much done at work, I walk around like a zombie, I keep the house clean to the bare minimum it takes to not be a complete slob (sometimes).

And this is the daylight hours, when I’m NOT drinking. When I AM drinking, I’m sad, I’m morose, I’m basically inconsolable.

My saving grace has been the people that listen to me day in and day out, advise me on Navy things I don’t understand, calm me down when I panic and think R is not giving me one thought. Those people know who they are and I thank them immensely.

When you feel your sanity hanging on by a thread, the last thing you need to do is drink. I’m not saying once in a while, blowing off steam when you’re stressed, when you want to have a good time.

Like tonight, I’m having a glass of wine because my back is hurting, my sister is stressing me out, I want to unwind (oh, and I’m scared to take the Rx I got - more on that later).

When it’s bad is when I’m at work and all I can think of is when I can come home, drink enough so I can pass out and forget it all.

I can’t be the support to R that he needs me to be if I can’t support myself. I can’t do anything when I can’t support myself.

R said in San Diego that my main focus is missing him and he can not make his main focus missing me. I get that. I understand it. As melodramatic as it may sound, people’s lives are dependent upon R as his life is dependent upon other people.

No, he’s not on the “front lines”. He’s not in Iraq or some place else with a lot of sand, yet. But I can tell you when he is there… I don’t want the person he’s standing next to first thought to be their significant other back home.

If you haven’t heard, my back finally got to the point where I had to drag myself into the doctor. Yeah, I did have to wait for my insurance to kick in at the new job but that was last month… why didn’t I make an appointment as soon as I was able?

Because it would get better and not hurt as much, I didn’t want to spend the money, take the time off work and plus - I was wallowing. Who takes care of themselves when they’re too busy wallowing about things they can’t change - and fix things they can?

I sat down yesterday and a pain shot through my entire back, up through my shoulder and into my neck. And it really freaked me out. I wanted to kick myself for letting it go for so long. For not taking care of myself, getting well and getting back into the gym… which is what I REALLY need to maintain my sanity.

I made an appointment today with an Ortho doctor but they couldn’t fit me until Friday. I debated on going to Urgent Care to get something to relieve the pain and I decided, again, I didn’t want to spend the money. A $35 Urgent Care co-pay was standing in between me and getting something to feel better.

What finally made me decide to go was the fact both R AND my Dad put some extra funds in my account so I’d GO, already. I was really touched by that. Two people wanting to take care of me when I’m not even taking care of myself. I went from not wanting to spend the money to extra money that I didn’t have yesterday so I thought: Just go, dammit.

I went. The doctor didn’t tell me much since I told her I already had an appointment on Friday. I’m glad she didn’t. I didn’t want to have x-rays there and then have them again on Friday. She did say she doesn’t think it’s a pinched nerve or a herniated disk, that it’s something to do with the muscles in my lower back.

She felt my back and the lump there and also noticed another one on the other side (great). She exclaimed: “Whoa! This doesn’t hurt when I touch it?!”

Look, I’m a complainer about everything under the sun about things that don’t matter. But this is me, the girl that had to argue with intake nurses when I was in labor when they didn’t want to admit me, saying I was too calm.

So see, I can handle stressful, hurtful, not fun situations. So I have to ask myself: How did I let it get this bad?