Not So Blonde

Coocoo for Coco Puffs

If I don’t get out of this house soon, I’m losing my shit. I know having one’s place of work closed from Christmas Day to the 5th of January sounds like an enviable position to be in but trust me when I tell you: It’s not!

Well, you know, it probably would be if I a) were not sick b) was not sad R is gone and c) were independently wealthy so I could spend my days shopping and going to a spa.

But if I were c) why would I care if my damn office was closed anyway? Pray tell? Hmmm? *sips on drink*

So I’m not going to bitch about Bymoron once in this post (lie). My blog has, for the most part, turned into bitching about him and I think I know why:

- times that he upsets me are the times I really need to talk to someone

and

- he’s an asshole.

But I know it’s tiresome to read about all the time, exes are exes for a reason and all that jazz. But if anyone reading knows him tell him not to come to my house when I’m MMS’ing (mid-menstrual syndrome) and attempt to be nice to me when I can’t stand the sight of his stupid face.

There I am, washing dishes, innocent as can be when the Moron peeks his head out from behind the front door to say, “Happy New Year, Mary.”

I look up with disdain and a spark in the eye, contemplate throwing the glass I’m washing at his head, decide I like it too much and I break too many glasses whilst drunk anyway, set it down, walk over to the door which he has since quickly closed, open it and shout down the stairs: “Get a prescription for Valium! Happy New Year!” And slam the door.

Now, I know if you were to witness this scene and not know the players (or even if you did), that I would in fact be the person you’d peg for a re-up on a mood-enhancing Rx. Oh, ho ho… but you see, R always says I don’t let logic and reason cloud my arguments so I won’t start now.

~~~

I’m only going to post about what I did on New Year’s Eve because I didn’t post about it last year and I can’t remember what R and I did. I oftentimes refer to my blog to remember things such as holidays, birthdays, outings out with the girls, funny conversations, menstrual cycles…

That’s the second time I’ve brought up “The Flow” and I think the first was pushing it, and now here I did it again. Anyway, it’s TRUE! There’s only so much mymonthlycycles.com can tell a girl!

So this is what I did. I made nachos, I baked cookies (sorry, no pic and the kid ate them all), watched Elf (twice), poured the kid and I sparkling apple cider quarter til midnight (I had Prosecco for me but I didn’t feel like drinking), watched Carson Daly count down the ball drop with M, called him a douchebag about a dozen times (Carson, not M), guzzled my apple cider, chased it with Tylenol Nighttime cold medicine and prepared to pass the F out - from something other than alcohol.

Oh, what a night.

It would have ended there, and Tylenol wanted to end it there, but the night wanted to carry on! It’s freaking New Year’s Eve, bitches!

First, my dad called around 1:30. He started the conversation with, “Hey, party girl!”

I almost think he was disappointed to hear otherwise. We had a nice conversation, if I can remember most of it. (ETA: He talked of making his prime rib & Yorkshire pudding, New Year tradition. It made me smile.)

Tylenol wanted to call it a night again once my dad and I rang off but then, R kept texting. It was a nice conversation, from what I can piece together from re-reading the messages this afternoon. (ETA: He talked of chasing drug runners in S. America. Did not make me smile.)

Ah, drinks with the boy and communication from the two R’s. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Well…

Happy New Year, folks!

Boo Hiss Blah Blah Blah

Christmas was nice. Heh. Christmas is such a letdown from all the build up, I’ve decided. Yes, I’m 36 (will be 37 in 4.5 short months and I’d be more scared by that number if I really gave more of a shit) and I’m now just realizing, Christmas is … okay. And that’s okay!

I think I may think this, in part, because the kid is getting older. Kids keep things fun and fresh and new. I debated not even getting a tree this year, a first, but I got one at the last minute after the teen guilted me into it by asking, “Can I come to your house so we can get a tree?”

Any time the teen says he wants to come to his mom (or dad’s) house and he doesn’t say, “… so I can play (insert game)”, it’s a BOLD FACED LIE.

I don’t blame the kid. As much as I feel for him that his parents aren’t together, the kid WORKS IT. I think it helps that M doesn’t even remember his dad and I together.

Several years ago, M was going thru his baby book and happened on some snapshots of the dad and I dying Easter eggs when M was only a few months old. He looked at the pictures, looked at me, looked back at the pictures and asked, “Mom, what is my dad doing in your house?”

Moral of that story? DIVORCE WHEN THE KIDS ARE YOUNG, THEY WON’T REMEMBER SHIT BUT TWICE AS MANY PRESENTS.

Speaking of divorce - nice segue - I think Bymoron the ex and the new wife might be headed in that direction themselves. Now, it’s just a feeling I get but I thought it odd the last couple of meetings at the teen’s school, step-mom has been noticeably absent.

I never did give step-mom benefit of the doubt that she may have finally realized her presence was not needed, didn’t help the situation nor was she wanted there… I always thought it was due to something going on between she and Bymoron.

And now, quickly following that, the dad and she don’t spend Christmas together.

I questioned the dad about it the day after Christmas, like, why was he all hot to come pick up the kid again when he just spent the majority of the holiday with him? Could it be, oh, maybe that the kid let it slip to R and I that his step-mom was out of town … over the holidays?

Don’t get me wrong, if you can’t spend the holidays together, you can’t. I GET THAT. The fact that R and I were able to be together is due to an act of some sort of Kris Kringle f’ing miracle (his Chief allowing his unit some time off while he’s still stateside). Fine. Some people in similar situations are NOT as lucky.

But we’re not talking about people in extraordinary circumstances. We’re talking about 2 people who barely spend any time apart and now all of a sudden they’re not spending CHRISTMAS together? On purpose?

I realize I might sound contradictory after I said in the beginning of the post that Christmas isn’t all that, that it’s sort of a let-down, I know. But I don’t know many couples that WILLINGLY spend the holidays apart. Do you?!

The dad’s explanation was, “Well we’ve been together a while and we’ve been getting on each others nerves and especially during Christmas, you know the feeling.”

Yeah. No, I don’t.

I love when people tell you some off-the-wall shit and expect you to follow along. And you’re left sitting there thinking, “Yeah. I’ve never felt that, sorry.”

I wasn’t even going to talk about this. I mean, who cares? It’s mildly amusing in the course of life but it doesn’t alter my existence any, really.

What I was going to talk about, but am avoiding, is the fact that R’s and my visit really wasn’t a dream come true. Maybe we should spend Christmas apart…

KIDDING.

No, honestly, now is one of those times that I have to remind myself: Every moment together is not a fairy tale.

I get it, I understand it, but yet there I am when R goes to leave, clinging to him and crying like it’s the last time I’ll ever see him again.

I know he doesn’t want that. It’s the last thing I want to do and it’s been a while since I’ve done it but, yet, there I am… doing it anyway.

I blubbered, “You seemed so stressed… is it me? Did I do something to make you mad?”

That is when he starts to melt a bit, his cool resolve begins to crumble and he says, “It’s not you. I’m not mad at you.” And I cry more because the moments to prove to me its not me are waning. He’ll be gone soon and all I’ll have to console me are those parting words, “It’s not you…”

I got the best email forward years ago. Just because I said that I liked an email forward YEARS ago should not give you the impression I like email forwards, I don’t, so don’t send them. Unless you are in possession of this one, because, BLASTED! I never got it again.

This particular forward talked about a man and a woman sitting in a car about to say goodbye outside an airport, I believe, and the woman’s perspective was questioning the relationship while trying to read the man’s expression.

The male’s portion is told from his side and unbeknownest to his girlfriend, he was silently stressing out about his car. HIS CAR. The girl is freaking about THEM and the the man is thinking about HIS CAR.

He’s looking at the check engine light on the dash with furrowed brow thinking - wtf - I just took this car in and now the light’s on!!

The email goes on and on from the girl’s point of view, growing more and more hysterical and finally culminates in the girl bursting out that they need to break up, she can tell the man isn’t happy and the dude is sitting there like: WTF happened here? I was just worried about my car…

That’s R and I. Only, R has a lot more to worry about than his car. I need to chill. The man loves me. I just wish he were here to tell me.

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