Sober Up
What a crappy day. I wanted to not even go into work today but two things helped to motivate me out of bed: the Teen was here and if I have to get up and take him to school, I might as well keep driving and take my ass to work. Work to complete something that had to be done in order for someone else to finish payroll. Responsibility is a mofo.
Warning: Sad news ahead.
Our IT guy passed away from a heart attack this weekend. I’m so not going to get all deep and wax on about this man’s life, it’s not my place as I didn’t know him that well. I will say Scott was only 39 and had two kids around the Teen’s age. A life completely outside his work persona, of which we all become accustomed to with co-workers.
I saw some pictures from his desk of him with his family and thought of what a good dad he must have been. You could just see it in the photos. I pray that his family finds comfort in their time of loss. Rest in peace, Scott.
If you emailed me at work the last two days, I probably didn’t get it. We came into work on Monday with the entire exchange server down. Something that doesn’t happen often and something Scott could have fixed probably rather quickly. Everyone kept asking where he was at in order to fix it… until we were all called into the conference room to be told the news.
Some people cried, everyone was in shock. You don’t come into work and expect to hear news like that. You go from, “The f’ing email is down. WTF. Can I go home?” To, “It really doesn’t matter the email is down. Ta’ hell with email anyway.” It’s just been a bad week. And it’s only Tuesday.
In light of that, I do feel it more than slightly self absorbed to feel so bitchy and in such a bad mood. Although, I’d be kidding myself to not think the bad mood is probably in some part to Scott’s passing.
No matter how shitty it may be for you, it’s definitely shittier for someone else. And by that, I mean the family and friends Scott has left behind.
But, life goes on in all it’s glory, doesn’t it? Life continues to swirl around you and you have to learn to deal with it all. Adulthood blows.
I was going to post more about the trip, especially since the last post didn’t show R in the best light. Maybe I will later. I like to get thoughts and memories down so I can look back on them but I’m pretty much done with it all.
I loved the trip, don’t get me wrong. The time R and I spent together was very much needed and helped me tremendously.
As much as I may say I’m crying and bawling my eyes out, I’m not. I’ve attempted to keep myself in check. My emotions are, for the most part, in check. Not only for R but for myself.
Even when I got insanely bored with the cds in my car and I stopped in Yuma at Target for something to listen to. It was the only store open and I couldn’t find anything I wanted or hadn’t already downloaded - tee hee.
I settled on The Fray. Although the Teen even knows this song usually brings instant tears to my eyes, I still bought the damn cd it’s featured on.
The song begin to play, and I listened. And I hit repeat. And hit repeat again. And did not allow the tears to flow.
That’s not to say I go around happy as a damn lark, I’m not. But the crying has significantly decreased since when R first left in June.
I think I’m in serious denial how long R will really be gone, or when I’ll see him again. And I’m okay with denial. It gets me through. It helps me to be a better support to R, and to get him through.
That’s not to say that I, alone, can make things easier for R. But I know that I, alone, can definitely make it harder. Funny how that works.
One thing I have found tough to deal with is what people to say to me when they discover R is away. When I say people, I mostly mean: men.
I touched on it when I talked about the guy at Jiffy Lube in an earlier post.
And then a commenter really pissed me off on Flickr this weekend.
And as much as my co-worker with the crush on me, Marco, can amuse me he’s forever on my shit list for talking sarcastically about R. “He’s in the Navy? How’s that working out for you?” *shit list!*
I can hold a grudge like a mofo (I’m an Aries, and my mother’s daughter) and one way to land on my bad side is to breathe one wrong word in R’s direction. I’ve broken friendships over it, for crying out loud.
I’m no expert and I’m definitely new to this all-Navy, all-the-time thing but I can say with all certainty: I want to hear nothing but words of support and encouragement. That’s it.
I do know I talk too much. It’s not like I’m forever divulging missions, training, where R’s exactly at or what he’s doing - loose lips sink ships and all that.
But, take the guy in Jiffy Lube. (He wasn’t the technician, the tech was super nice and like I said, even gave me the military discount. And the only reason I even told him anything was more of a way of being like: Dude, don’t mess with me and jack me for a bunch of shit I don’t need. I have too much on my mind for your bullshit.)
This other guy was a customer and was steady grilling me with questions and even tried to buy my car off me. Right? Hello!
But, I really didn’t have to say I was driving to San Diego to see my boyfriend in the Navy. Call it excitement, call it pride, call it I have too big of a damn mouth.
This man, after blatantly hitting on me and upon being shut down, wanted to make a point of all the girls in San Diego and why I wasn’t worried about R being there.
Are you fucking kidding me, dude? That’s your best game? All the worry over R’s safety, the waiting and the angst with R being away from me, period… and now we have to throw some hos in the mix? She who was relieved when R described the girl helping him find a hotel as looking like a “penguin”? I don’t need that shit!
I looked at the guy with a withering gaze (I’m kinda, sorta famous for them) and said, “I’m so not worried about GIRLS.” Yes, I’m jealous. Borderline, insanely jealous but R cheating on me? Not a concern.
Oh my dear Lord in heaven and all of the saints alongside. If you all could realize what progress saying that really, truly, is for me.
After Bymoron’s lying, cheating ass and for long afterwards being convinced every man cheated sooner or later… me? Not being concerned with R’s fidelity? Yet, I still say I’m jealous. Does that even make sense?
I’m jealous in the sense that I hate the thought of anyone being able to spend time with R when I can’t. I want to be there. I want to be by his side, always. I want to hold my man’s hand and look at every girl that gives him the once-over (he is, after all, rather hot) with that gaze that says, “Enjoy it. It’s all you’re getting.”
Hey, I said I was insane. You were warned.
Oh, and the Flickr commenter? In case you were wondering where all THAT came from… I had posted a photo of going out with a description saying I had went out due to R urging me to do so. You know, as to not WALLOW and CRY at home all by my lonesome.
This commenter irritated the crap out of me by suggesting R wanting me to go out was to alleviate his own guilt of whatever he might be doing while away.
So I stupidly got into this whole comment battle but ended up deleting it all. If you were privy to them, sorry. I didn’t delete them so no one could read them, I deleted them because I simply can not deal with the negativity. I can not. Jesus, take the wheel. I’m done.
I apologize for this sobering, boring, probably only for me post. Sometimes (most of the time, actually) blogging isn’t for you but for me and I need to get it out. I thank those that continue to be of great support to me and help me through the tough times.
Hold your loved ones and hold them tight. Life is too short. And, that? Is the most sobering thought of all.
