Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated…
I was under the impression the blog was up for renewal and I didn’t really care to renew it since I hadn’t been writing here much. But Jo renewed it and I need to get Jo a really nice thank you gift. Not that I think I’ll be back full time, because I can’t really say. I know it’s silly to be like: Okay I’m going! Okay I’m back!
And I don’t mean to be like that, trust me. I will say having my sister find my blog again… after that I haven’t really felt like home at this place anymore. I feel I have to watch every word I say and some could say I shouldn’t care, and I want to not care… yet I do.
No amount of telling me I shouldn’t feel that way will help. Only years of years of intense therapy and/or psychosomatic drugs will help with that, I’m afraid.
What I thought I would do is let this place die out, archive all of the years of writing, take a break, and come back in a place I could police a bit more.
I know it sucks to police your own blog but hey, blogging isn’t what it used to be. I’m not comfortable not knowing who visits and is reading anymore.
Things that R used to say to me years ago, when I’d poo-poo him or not listen - are coming back to haunt me now.
And don’t be mad with R over that. R is and has always been a huge support to all of my craziness, including this blog.
He’s a way more private person and it doesn’t sit well with him to share personal information with just anyone.
So what I’m about to share is not in keeping with that and certainly contradicts the feeling I should be more private with my life, and all the happenings it entails. But I have to talk about it, R’s not here and I don’t feel like talking to anyone… so I’ll blog about it.
Do you know the propensity of bloggers who don’t like talking on the phone? Please don’t think I’m singling anyone out, it’s a common theme I hear over and over again. And I’m one of them.
I have to be in the mood to talk on the phone. With anyone. With family, friends… the only exception to that rule is R. I’ll talk to him anywhere, anytime, anyplace.
That’s probably due to the fact that when the calls come in, who knows when he’ll get the chance to call again so I better damn well take the call.
Where was I? Oh.
At the teen’s school. This afternoon. Meeting with his teachers and the guidance counselor. Without over sharing - the kid is not doing so hot.
Not because he skips class, or doesn’t turn in his assignments… He does his assignments, he just doesn’t always turn them in.
The teachers and counselor believe it to be the teen has a perfection complex. He doesn’t think his work is good enough, so he’d rather not turn it in at all.
On some level, I can sit here and blame the dad. For his need for perfection and his never ending pressure on the kid to be perfect at everything he does.
But on the flip side of that, and to attempt to be a responsible parent, I have to understand my role in that as well.
When the kids are born, you want to right all the wrongs in your own life. You want to teach them all of the good things you learned, and to steer them away from the things you don’t like about yourself.
As much as the dad may influence and downright scare M, the fact that M has become so complacent, so uncaring… that’s all me, baby.
The minute I don’t care about something, I’m done. I have always appealed to R during a fight or whatever, to never get me to that point. I can’t come back even if I wanted to.
Granted, these are accelerated classes the teen is taking. Classes I don’t think the kid is equipped or prepared to handle. His first year of high school, football practice every night, it’s too much.
But then, to fight that? Am I wanting less for my child? To give up, go back to regular classes that he’s more comfortable in, to enjoy playing football and the high school experience in general? Am I wanting my kid to “aim low”?
I don’t know.
I told the counselor that I feared if M became ineligible to play, he’d drastically go downhill. The counselor replied M couldn’t really do worse than he already was doing.
But he didn’t hear me. I meant downhill, personally… mentally. Not just caring about homework, not caring about LIFE.
You all that know me, have read this blog, know how I feel about sports. I do not feel that they should be the main focus of M’s academic career.
But to take that away, frankly, scares me. The only time I have ever seen M display any type of confidence, is playing sports.
M’s English teacher said she called on him just yesterday and his fear and nervousness was so palpable that she backed out of the question and smoothed it over to make it easier for him.
That broke my heart to hear that.
As much as the dad has his faults, he has no fear. Sure, no fear of being an asshole, or appearing stupid, or running his mouth to the point I’m inwardly begging: Please. Just stop talking!
I hate that M got this FEAR FACTOR from me. I hate that he feels he’s not good enough. I want to do something, anything to right whatever wrongs I may have done raising him so he wouldn’t feel that. Where to begin? I have no idea.
Well, I have some ideas, courtesy of the guidance counselor. Writing down homework assignments, having his dad and I initial the assignment booklet. Taking a much more active role and attempting to build up his confidence. I hope it works. For him, for me. I can’t lie. I want so much better for him than this. He CAN do better than this.
And just so you know, I can’t end without some snark towards the (fully dressed, for once) step-mom…
She? Never stops talking, either. That’s one thing she and the dad both share: love of themselves.
When the counselor told us, clearly stating M’s mother and father, to initial the assignment book, this bee had the audacity to ask: So, where do we initial?
YOU don’t initial anywhere. I will give her the respect of wanting what’s best for M, I will give her that it has to be extremely difficult to raise a child that is not her own, I will give her the respect I would want the dad to give R - but know your role, sweetheart. Embrace it. Love it. Stepmom - mom, see the difference?
And now, it’s time to know MY role… and to do it much better than I have been. Game on. :) Wish us luck. We need it.
13 Responses to “Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated…”
Corey on Sep 23, 2008 | Reply
I think I’m going to email my reply to you… I think that’s best.
Nicola on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
Good luck! I’m sure it will all work out, I’m impressed that the school caught on quickly and gave you some practical stuff that you can do as a parent to support M. I know all about the perfectionism/procrastination traits (and the OCD traits that come with them), and it ain’t necessarily a bad thing, it just takes time to develop a balance between getting things done well and on time and doing things perfectly and therefore never finishing them. And M will also find a happy medium between sport and academic stuff too. I’m with you on the sports thing, I’ll take an essay any day myself, but if that’s his confidence booster then that’s his thing. I’m rambling now, and going nowhere, but look at how well the pre-high school years went? You did good! He’s a great kid and bound to succeed at something, he just needs a bit of time and some trial and error (but not too much error!) to adjust to high school and work out what that something might be for him. N xx
Kari on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
Gosh Mary I’m sorry to hear all this. It’s got to be frustrating in the least, but don’t be too hard on yourself.
I’m a grown woman (most days) and I struggle with academics like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t imagine if I threw sports on top of that.
I think your assignment booklet sounds like a great place to start. Sometimes just looking at things on paper gives you a more clear perspective.
If showing up is half the battle as they say, then you are right on target for getting things on track. I know you and M will tackle things together and succeed. Just don’t forget to have faith in yourself :-) Best of luck to you sweetie!
dmac on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
wow! i was glad to see you back but i wasn’t expecting that about M. my son is very similar in that he is very confident on the football field and not so confident in the classroom. we didn’t let him play football this year because the committment is so tough and i still haven’t decided if that was the best decision or not. i really hope things get better for both of you.
Jo on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
Ok first of all you owe me nothing!
2nd, you bounce talking about you ain’t coming back for a hot sec and then you come back with this. Dude! It’s 10am! Me no need to cry @ 10am @ work.
You know this post kinda sorta felt like you were talking to me, right. And I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. I mean that in a THANK YOU!!!!
I will say this, I never ever ever let da teen stop playing ball and frankly I don’t think that was a good idea. I didn’t let him stop because I felt like you did, that he would go downhill. That isn’t always the case and I think you needs to take this one with da dictator, wait are we calling him M now? *Lol*
love you and you know how to reach me.
Oh and that whole phone stuff I get it. But damnit answer my call when i call! j/k!
Jo on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
geez, think i need a grammar course much. this internet/blog shit has ruined me!
nancy k on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
maybe m is going through typical teen stuff…just hang in there, sweetie. be proactive and stay on top of things and hopefully m will find things in academics that interest him and motivate him to do well.
xoxo
MissPrissy on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
I’m starting over soon too, and with much more policing than ever. The blog world has gotten way too big, and anyone can be found and that is not o.k with me.
The phone? I hate to talk on the phone once I leave work I never want to hear one ring, not the cell or the home phone, even when J’s phone rings I get annoyed.
I really hope M makes some changes, he’s an awesome young man and he deserves a SUPPORTIVE dad, not one that just pushes him like that.
The Step-ho…OMG why was she even there?
Angel on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
Mare, you are amazing. You really are. I tell J all the time, we (him and I) constantly have to work on improving ourselves in general, to improve as a parent. If we get stale, well so will our parenting. Go with your gut honey, you know M and together you and him will work this out in the way that is best for him and his academic career. I could seriously say so much more. But I agree w/Corey I think its better suited for email, than the internet :). I have faith in you and M!
trac on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
you know I have issues with my boy. BIG ONES. My child HAS gotten to the point where he does.not.care. it’s not a fun place.
I wish you a lot of luck. I do. Because you are right, we want so badly for our children to NOT make our mistakes, and we want them to be smarter than we are- in all areas.
I tried to get mine to put sports in a place where it motivated him- and it didn’t. And now that he can’t do that, not realizing he put himself there, well….what do I do? I know that I’m at a total and complete loss- and in it by myself…
And yes, STEPmom is what they are called for a reason.
Natalie on Sep 24, 2008 | Reply
Mixed emotions for me. Happy to see you back and a little sad that you are going through this. I completely agree with everything you wrote. Maybe he doesn’t need all that on his plate his first year in a new school.This coupled with dealing with all things 14 year old boys deal with is hard. Just be careful he doesn’t start having anxiety. It sounded like that during the example in English class. I admire your strength during this time because like my mama said kids don’t come with manuals.
Mary on Sep 26, 2008 | Reply
Thank you everyone for your comments. I tried to respond to everyone but this whole thing saps my energy so I was stopping and starting and getting emotional… I’m a mess.
Good news is, the teen seems almost relieved he doesn’t have to pretend anymore, and I’ve sat down with him the remainder of the week to go over his assignment book, going over homework, etc.
But, when did that shit get so hard? Man nothing makes you feel more dumb than looking at high school homework, or is that me? lol
We’ll see what happens. I have talked til I’m blue in the face and I’m sure the teen is starting to tune me out. I hope not, I hope some is sinking in.
dmac: I’m sorry you’re going thru something similar. It’s very stressful, I took Wednesday off from work because I needed to clear my head. Luckily, M had a 1/2 day that day so I picked him at noon and we attacked the past due things he hadn’t turned in. I wish you luck.
MP: I feel the same about the phone! WTF is that thing ringing for??? lol!
Natalie: That’s exactly what I meant when I said I didn’t want M going downhill. Let’s face it, my family has it’s share of anxiety/depression issues and I don’t want M to have to deal with that on top of everything else.
In closing, I emailed M’s English teacher and she wrote back the nicest email, and said she’s glad M has such a great mom. Talk about making my day.
Thanks again to everyone. I will be sure to let you all know if/when I move blog, yet again. *group hug*
princessdominique on Oct 1, 2008 | Reply
Instead of luck I’ll send my blessings.