Reflection

9/10/2008 – 8:39 pm | by Mary

I figured I’d better take the maintenance screen down so people wouldn’t think I was gone for good. I’m not sure if I want to be gone for good yet, we’ll see.

Temporarily, I wanted to take a step back because I was feeling very sorry for myself, wallowing, drinking lots of wine, smoking too many cigarettes. Just not doing good at all and I didn’t want to talk about it.

I hate when I allow myself to wallow because you can’t go anywhere from there. Well, you can. You can go up… but I never see that when I’m wallowing.

It’s going to be a long, hard road til R and I are together again, this I know. But I can make the best of it or I can’t… and I’d much rather make the best of it.

This isn’t some rah, rah siss boom bah bullshit post. I need to make a decision to make things better and I’m attempting to do so. I’m going to have good days and bad days. Hey, sorta like LIFE.

One thing I need to do is stop drinking so much - as I take a sip of wine… ha. But it’s the first glass I’ve had in a few days and trust me, the way I was getting? That’s great for me.

All I wanted to do every day after work was have a drink (or two, or more) and go to bed early because I didn’t want to feel anything.

The problem with not wanting to feel anything is you don’t feel anything good, either. Everything suffers. I’m not as patient with the teen, I don’t get much done at work, I walk around like a zombie, I keep the house clean to the bare minimum it takes to not be a complete slob (sometimes).

And this is the daylight hours, when I’m NOT drinking. When I AM drinking, I’m sad, I’m morose, I’m basically inconsolable.

My saving grace has been the people that listen to me day in and day out, advise me on Navy things I don’t understand, calm me down when I panic and think R is not giving me one thought. Those people know who they are and I thank them immensely.

When you feel your sanity hanging on by a thread, the last thing you need to do is drink. I’m not saying once in a while, blowing off steam when you’re stressed, when you want to have a good time.

Like tonight, I’m having a glass of wine because my back is hurting, my sister is stressing me out, I want to unwind (oh, and I’m scared to take the Rx I got - more on that later).

When it’s bad is when I’m at work and all I can think of is when I can come home, drink enough so I can pass out and forget it all.

I can’t be the support to R that he needs me to be if I can’t support myself. I can’t do anything when I can’t support myself.

R said in San Diego that my main focus is missing him and he can not make his main focus missing me. I get that. I understand it. As melodramatic as it may sound, people’s lives are dependent upon R as his life is dependent upon other people.

No, he’s not on the “front lines”. He’s not in Iraq or some place else with a lot of sand, yet. But I can tell you when he is there… I don’t want the person he’s standing next to first thought to be their significant other back home.

If you haven’t heard, my back finally got to the point where I had to drag myself into the doctor. Yeah, I did have to wait for my insurance to kick in at the new job but that was last month… why didn’t I make an appointment as soon as I was able?

Because it would get better and not hurt as much, I didn’t want to spend the money, take the time off work and plus - I was wallowing. Who takes care of themselves when they’re too busy wallowing about things they can’t change - and fix things they can?

I sat down yesterday and a pain shot through my entire back, up through my shoulder and into my neck. And it really freaked me out. I wanted to kick myself for letting it go for so long. For not taking care of myself, getting well and getting back into the gym… which is what I REALLY need to maintain my sanity.

I made an appointment today with an Ortho doctor but they couldn’t fit me until Friday. I debated on going to Urgent Care to get something to relieve the pain and I decided, again, I didn’t want to spend the money. A $35 Urgent Care co-pay was standing in between me and getting something to feel better.

What finally made me decide to go was the fact both R AND my Dad put some extra funds in my account so I’d GO, already. I was really touched by that. Two people wanting to take care of me when I’m not even taking care of myself. I went from not wanting to spend the money to extra money that I didn’t have yesterday so I thought: Just go, dammit.

I went. The doctor didn’t tell me much since I told her I already had an appointment on Friday. I’m glad she didn’t. I didn’t want to have x-rays there and then have them again on Friday. She did say she doesn’t think it’s a pinched nerve or a herniated disk, that it’s something to do with the muscles in my lower back.

She felt my back and the lump there and also noticed another one on the other side (great). She exclaimed: “Whoa! This doesn’t hurt when I touch it?!”

Look, I’m a complainer about everything under the sun about things that don’t matter. But this is me, the girl that had to argue with intake nurses when I was in labor when they didn’t want to admit me, saying I was too calm.

So see, I can handle stressful, hurtful, not fun situations. So I have to ask myself: How did I let it get this bad?

  1. 14 Responses to “Reflection”

  2. Kari on Sep 10, 2008 | Reply

    That just sounds painful. I hope Friday arrives quickly for you so the doc can get you fixed up quickly.

    I feel ya on the drinking thing. There was a period in life recently (and not so recently) were I was drinking a lot. It’s odd because I really don’t even enjoy drinking or like it much (other than wine), but I think I just didn’t want to feel anything either, so I didn’t. I’ve since gone from that to barely looking at the stuff.

    I have faith that you’ll be just fine. I know you are too strong and smart to ever go off the deep end. Just keep your chin up. I’m always here to listen if you need to bitch, or cry, or whatever. Sending you a great big (((HUG))) over the internets!

    I wouldn’t have jumped to the ortho clinic so quickly but it was so hard on mycigna.com to “Find a Doctor”… I hope they can help because they honestly could not have been nicer on the phone. I’m so very relieved I’m finally getting it taken care of - but mad at myself I let things get to the point where I have no choice. I’m understand that, too, with the drinking. Not only is it empty calories, I get bloated, I’m hungover… I don’t need to feel that when I’m already depressed! What was I thinking! Oy. Thank you, Kari. I’m still thinking about acupuncture… (HUG back)

  3. courtney on Sep 10, 2008 | Reply

    oh no. :(
    Not good at all. But I’m glad you finally went. I guess I should be one to talk as I’m over here holding off on going in my darn self because I want to wait until I change health care plans. My current deductible is high as giraffe pussy and I’m waiting until the new one kicks in, so I can go whenever I feel my pinky toe swell up.

    Awww…I know everything will be okay. If you need a laugh, send me a note…or a twit…or an email…or something. You know I’ve always got randomness to laugh at. ha ha!

    Loves ya! Have a good day tomorrow!

    Girl you always cheer me up and make me laugh! Giraffe’s pussy! Priceless! I certainly understand the insurance-speak. It’s why I didn’t want 2 sets of x-rays. “Are you gonna make me pay for one of those??!” Luckily, after the co-pay the Urgent Care visit is covered 100% and the Rx was $10 so it worked out. But I’ve had it NOT work out, so I feel you!! Thank you! Despite the sister and the back, I’ve actually had a great week. xoxo

  4. Betty on Sep 10, 2008 | Reply

    I’m so glad you finally went to Urgent Care!! I didn’t realize this was a reoccurring pain, you poor thing!!!

    It’s been about May. I think R is about to pee himself, he’s so glad I went. So I wanted to slip back into feeling sorry for myself today and think: He’s not here to take care of me, what if I have to take time off work, yada yada. Then I slapped myself (figuratively) and said: Hey, dumbass… if you went to the doc when he was here, then you wouldn’t have to worry about that!! Geez. I can be such a baby. Thank you, Betty.

  5. Char on Sep 10, 2008 | Reply

    Take care of you, he needs that and he needs to be confident that you are doing that. I did the same thing too, being consumed, drinking and the slob syndrome. You just needed some time to pull yourself out and that’s understandable. You have my number and that’s all I will say if I have to check in with you then I will do that too. Keep your back in check and your sanity woman. Hang in there ;)

    Awwwwwww thanks Char. You always make me feel like not such a bad gf. lol I’m sure R appreciates the help I get from the girls. :) I have had such a better week after I made the decision to just make it better. What else can you do? It’s also helped that he’s sharing more, but it’s all a process. Thank you again to you and your R. :)

  6. Nicola on Sep 11, 2008 | Reply

    Aww, I’m sorry your back is so sore :( I know all about that too, and will join Kari in making a recommendation, but for osteopath treatment. I’ve had accupuncture too, but my problems are largely structural and not really treatable in terms of fixing them, but with the Osteo she works on the muscles and helps me with exercises to strengthen everything back up. Do not go to a chiropractor though, they are evil and just want to get high off the sound of your bones cracking *shudder*.

    I need to try that next. Since my injury seems to be something with the muscle. Doc said he didn’t think huge lump on my lower back is related but I find it odd that when my back isn’t hurting as much, the lump decreases in size. So frustrated, I hate doctors. I just feel like you tell them things and they’re like: Yeah well… nothing we can do, sorry. Sigh. Going to try Physical Therapy and see if that helps. Meds have been helping, hope YOU are feeling better, too. :)

  7. S on Sep 11, 2008 | Reply

    Girl… I am here for you! Do you need a weekend away in SF? Just dont forget that you have friends who love you who will do whatever you need! I dont doubt it is hard for you– I cant imagine. If you need ANYTHING let me know!

    Aw thanks. I do need to travel up there. Have many friends there. Still trying to move to CA but it will be Southern and on hold for a year. Hopefully I can stand AZ that long! xoxo

  8. MissPrissy on Sep 11, 2008 | Reply

    I think you are very good at dealing with R being gone, of course you’re sad and you worry but that’s normal. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you love the man to pieces and it’s got to be hard as hell to be in your shoes.
    Just know I’m here, and you can call me anytime, text, tweet me whatever:)
    I hope your back gets better soon.
    *heart* you!

    Aw thanks girl. :) You are the bomb.com. I can’t wait til we get a chance to hang out in REAL TIME together. We need to make it happen! :D Heart you, too!!!

  9. Brandi on Sep 11, 2008 | Reply

    I am so sorry Mary! MUAH from me to you!

    Thanks babe! Muah back!

  10. Lisa on Sep 12, 2008 | Reply

    I’ve been there with drinking every day because I was in emotional and physical pain. I’m glad you are getting to a doctor who can address your back pain.

    I’ve also been there with a long distance relationship, seeing my significant other once every couple of months. It totally sucks to miss someone that much.

    Aw thanks Lisa. I know you are going thru much harder times. I need to learn to keep things in perspective. I have my feeling sorry for myself times but I’m trying to have less of them. xoxo

  11. nancy k on Sep 12, 2008 | Reply

    i am thinking about you, luv.

    i think you would regret giving up your blog. your friends inside your computer love you and writing can be such an outlet. i know sometimes the comments left when i feel so low help pick me up.

    give yourself time and whatever else you need to get through the grief of this separation. only you can decide if you want to go it alone or what kind of support system works best.

    hope you are feeling better and please know that i am thinking of you with xoxo.

    Thank you Nancy sweetie. I don’t mind talking to people one on one or emailing/texting/calling. But sharing with the internet gets to be too much sometimes. It’s something so personal that I hesitate sharing too much. Blogging just isn’t what it used to be, no? We need to catch up more on the cellys. ;) xoxo

  12. princessdominique on Sep 13, 2008 | Reply

    Hang in there lady! You are in my thoughts and prayers. It’s not easy but maybe the RX will help a little bit. Pain is no joke.

    Thank you Princess honey! I’m feeling tons better. xoxo

  13. Angel on Sep 13, 2008 | Reply

    I am hoping that the RX are at least offering you some comfort while you sleep. Like I said, you can pick my brain any time, I have major back issues and have since I was 19. I am here to help, email me :)

    You are so insightful and that is why you are pulling yourself out of this, we all have our time to wallow, its the strong ones who recognize when the time is up and time to come back up that make it out of that time. And thats hard to do. But you can and are. You are a great military partner, you accept what is most important about your sailor and where his focus needs to be, because oh girl I could email you a story. mmmkay. LOL If anything one for you and R to talk about and chuckle when there is time.

    I’m here for you, proud of you and hope that you are getting some relief.

    Aw you are the best. My brother emailed me the other day, “That j robo girl sure is nice.” Lol! I had to tell him you were one and the same. I really try but I try to be better. Like last night he called and it caught me off guard. Luckily I had a lot to talk about, even though he was tired. I hate when he gets a chance to call and I’m all duuuuuuuuuh… As much as I probably annoy him when I talk a mile a minute, I’m sure he’d much rather hear that than silence. I’m workin on it! :D I’m irritated with doc. Going to do PT and see how that goes. I want to have a second opinion. This doc made it seem like it was nothing. Even said I could start working out again and I seriously wanted to laugh in his face. The dude really has no idea. Even R backed me on that one. Sigh. So frustrating. Thank you for your support… remember the Bartles and Jaymes commercials from back in the day? haha. *hug*

  14. Hot Girl Extraordinaire on Sep 14, 2008 | Reply

    I had a blue period like this a couple of years ago and Wellbutrin changed my life.

    It helped with my sadness, listlessness. It also helps you stop smoking and lose weight. Cigarettes taste like crap and you honestly have to MAKE yourself eat.

    Hope your back gets better.

    HGE

  15. Mary on Sep 15, 2008 | Reply

    One of my friends (won’t name any names) swears by it. I can tell she’s off it, because she was smoking lately (after a 3 year break) and I was SHOCKED. I mean what better time to experiment with Rxs than with R gone? :) He won’t be subject to any crazy mood swings… thanks girl. *hug*

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