Memories, Like the Corners of My Mind

8/12/2008 – 5:51 pm | by Mary

I wasn’t sure where to go on the whole recap of the San Diego trip. Part of me wanted to post some big drawn out soliloquy, breathlessly recounting every romantic detail. But I thought about it and that sounds pretty boring, even to me. Once you’ve read one soliloquy, you’ve read them all.

Then I thought I could do some bullets but, my god, bullets about 4 days? There’s just too much to say. Besides, I feel sort of numb. I feel like I can’t string sentences together that don’t sound like: I miss R. Blah blah blah ocean. R. Blah blah blah beach. Blah blah blah. Really miss R.

I’m so numb that when I’m driving I stare off into space and I snap back to reality for fear of getting into an accident. If I did crash into something, I probably wouldn’t even know how it happened.

I can’t really fully grasp how much I miss R because I don’t even want to take my mind to that place. It’s as if I’m picking at a scab and when it starts to hurt I force myself to think of something else. It seems like such a simple thing, to be together, yet it’s so unattainable right now. I just want to scream and cry but I know it won’t do any good.

It’s why I had to leave the hotel room shortly after R left for the base on Monday morning. It was around 4am and I hugged him, kissed him on the cheek and said bye. I refused to cry in front of him. I have been down that road and it’s not fair to him.

I got back in the bed and I wanted to sleep, but I knew I wouldn’t. I thought I should try to enjoy the pretty room the last few hours that I had it, leisurely getting ready after making some coffee with the cool little machine, but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be there anymore.

I texted R, said I couldn’t sleep and he replied I should get a jump on traffic if I wasn’t overly tired. So I got ready and gathered my things. I was scared to lose it in that room for fear I’d never leave it.

And that shit was expensive.

And had no internet access. Well, internet access but in the lobby and 6.95 per 15 minutes! Still bitter.

I had packed nearly everything the night before when R was packing up his things. I noticed that he had taken all of his toiletries off the bathroom counter and I wanted mine gone, too.

R had already taken my bags to my car the night before so I wouldn’t have to carry them. As I was trudging up the sidewalk that morning, I noticed that he had moved my car closer and I smiled. R is forever taking care of me. Maybe sometimes I think he doesn’t, but he does. He always does.

The first night I was there, Friday night, he got back from the base and we laid in bed for what seemed like hours. We didn’t really say that much. I laid on his chest and he stroked my hair, over and over. I felt so loved. He sniffed my hair and said how good it smelled.

I thought to myself that no matter what happens, the distance or whatever crazy thoughts I get in my head, and there are plenty: remember this moment.

After a while, R had mentioned he had a toothache so I jumped up to go to the lobby to get him some Advil & Tylenol (a concoction that works. Try it: 2 Advil/2 Tylenol). He kept saying he didn’t want me to get it, and I thought he was just being brave when he really should try and feel better. He finally said, “I want you here with me.”

That’s a lot for R to say. It’s funny the times that I think he’s not emotional enough, not demonstrative enough but when he says something, he really means it. I got my butt back in that bed and took up residence once again by his side.

I’ll be back later with some fluff of the trip. Not ready to process the fluff yet.

  1. 18 Responses to “Memories, Like the Corners of My Mind”

  2. Corey on Aug 12, 2008 | Reply

    Jeppers you made ME cry reading this and I am so not the crier. You two are just perfect together and I love how he does the little things for you. That’s the way it should be and I’m so glad he treats you like the Princess you are :D

    Hold tight to how awesome your weekend was. Love like that is worth waiting for - even if it has to span an ocean.

    Aw you made ME cry reading your comment just now. Shit. I am a crier, I though. And today is seriously a verge of tears day today. Thanks Corey. :) I am quite the princess. haha.

  3. Diane on Aug 12, 2008 | Reply

    I think I’m in love with R! :) seriously, i’m actually tearing up here…that was so sweet and touching to read. I’m so glad you found your Prince Charming–gives the rest of us Girls hope! (Guys like him are few and far between, but i know your just as good to him though) After some of your Ex’s–it makes you appreciate him all the more. I’m glad you had a good weekend, and before you know he’ll be back home to you for good! I’m praying for him also.

    Thank you Diane. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so much in my life. Keep ‘em coming, baby! R is definitely a good one. And he’s so far from perfect but I’m not, either. Here’s to finding your Prince Charming. *cheers*

  4. nancy k on Aug 12, 2008 | Reply

    awwww, honey!

    he’s a keeper, that man of yours. and he’s pretty lucky himself.

    Thank you Nance. Awww. When are you going to come visit Phoenix? Also, I have not been able to get into the new Plum read. Maybe I’ll give it another go this weekend. =/

  5. Nicola on Aug 12, 2008 | Reply

    Awww, he’s such a sweetie, he even moved your car closer! Not many men would think of that. Sounds like you had a great weekend, just the two of you together doing lots of fun stuff :-) Also - the perfume was Bvlgari Notte, been in love with Bvlgari ever since you introduced us ;)

    Oh okay. I’m not sure if I’ve smelled that one but I love the other Bvlgaris so I’m sure that one is scrumptious as well. Well what I didn’t say is that when we were walking to the hotel the night before, I was bitching that I had parked far and there were all these spots closer. He was laughing and teasing me over it. He went down to his car later to get quarters for me for the meter (I never have change) so I wouldn’t get a ticket in the morning. But, I ended up leaving hours before I had to worry about the meter anyway. How funny is that?

  6. Friglet on Aug 12, 2008 | Reply

    What a guy. :)

    I’m glad that you enjoyed your time together. Sorry it was so short. :(

    Me, too! I wish it was another day or two. But R is in training and has very little free time. I think it would have worn on him to entertain me much longer. Boo!

  7. frannie on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    Yes, what a guy. And what a great gal you are as well! This made me sigh, smile, and sigh all over again, chin in palm.

    *tight hugs* for you my friend. You two have a wonderful relationship, from what I read. :D

    Thank you Frannie! He’s definitely a great guy but he can be a brat sometimes, too. Makes me kind of mad because I’M the brat dangit!! lol

  8. Jo on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    ugh! mare. it’s 8am. I.DO.NOT.NEED.TO.BE.CRYING.

    You’ll hear from me via email, young ladie.

    Girl you never cry, wtf? LOL Sorry to get all you non-crying mofos all sniffling and stuffises. lol @ you’ll hear from me…. ooh I’m scared. j/k

  9. C on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    I’m glad you had a good weekend. It is the small moments that make that distance so minute. You can do this. You KNOW you can ;)

    Small moments like that also help when they’re annoying the shit out of you, which R managed to do this weekend as well. More to come on THAT later…

  10. Amn.eris on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    I need to slap your hand for making me cry this morning. Shit. Shit. Shit.

    This is the line that took me down…I laid on his chest and he stroked my hair, over and over. I felt so loved. He sniffed my hair and said how good it smelled.

    Damn you. Shit.

    Otherwise, I am glad you got to spend some time with R.


    Don’t slap my hand, they’re sunburned. Also, hands off my back and shoulders. My ankle, you can slap my ankle. haha. Shit shit shit… why are you trying to make me laugh when I want to mope? DAMMIT GIRL. :)

  11. Kari on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    Okay you made me tear up too. Damn you Mary! :-)

    That internet rate is outrageous not to mention the lobby-only access. What century do they live in? Are they suggesting we actually go more than an hour without internet access? Oh - I guess that is possible, being it’s a hotel and all the idea is probably to take a vacation…. I guess we just have opposing views on vacation. He he!

    They had wireless in the room but I don’t have a laptop. And I actually don’t care for laptops (I’m too uncoordinated for that keyboard and shit) but I REALLY would have loved one this weekend. Not sure if the WIFI in the room was free or not. Probably not. Those thieving ass Westin gangsters like to charge extra for EVERYTHING!

  12. evil charity on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    Awww, you and R are adorable. San Diego is one of my favorite places to visit…lucky for me my best girl lives there. I can’t wait to get home so I can take a look at your photos.

    Are you just being a good employee or did your job block Flickr? The reason I ask is the last job blocked Flickr and I felt like they chopped an arm off. Me thinks I might be a Flickr addict. haha. I LOVE SAN DIEGO!!

  13. Angel on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    Oh honey, I can’t even put into words what I want to express to you right now. I am just so glad that you got to visit with him.

    My husband once put a sticker on my car years ago, and it was one of those “Army wife, toughest job in the military” I don’t think its the toughest, but being a military partner/spouse/gf sure does take a lot of strength.

    Hugs to you gorgeous.

    Me too, Angel. I really, really needed that trip. He may stay a bit longer in SD but I don’t think long enough for another visit. He’ll try but we’ll see. We had a nice time and created many memories so I won’t complain. :) Much. That was sweet he did that. R would go point for point why his job is so much harder. haha. Oh, R. Thanks girl. *hugs back*

  14. mia on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    Leaving is never easy.

    No, it surely isn’t. And R and I have had our share of goodbyes. But when the goodbye is not by either person’s choice or it’s not to go back to a regular job or a different city but to be deployed… there’s an element of, I may never see this person again – not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. It’s the most helpless feeling in the world and not something anyone understands unless they go through it themselves. Holy run on sentence Batman. Blah. Oh well.

  15. inga on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    There aren’t many R’s in the world. There are a few good men, but we all know they are few and far between. He just seems like a really sweet guy all around. And honey chile, to be able to put up with YOU? Hmph..he loves you girl. Hold.on. lmao!
    j/k
    Here’s to R for the little things, because those things are the most important.

    Well I don’t know if I’d call him “sweet” necessarily. lol! Okay yeah he can be sweet. And girl my family doesn’t think R’s a damn hero because he’s in the military, they think he’s a hero because he puts up with my ass! Omg the things I have put that man thru. Don’t even get me started.

  16. Betty on Aug 13, 2008 | Reply

    *weepy* That last part really got me going. I’m so so glad you got to spend time together. I really do hope you’re able to see each other again soon.

  17. Mary on Aug 14, 2008 | Reply

    He’s going to be in SD a bit longer than he thought… you know how dates get moved around and such. But he’s going to be so busy that it’s really the only thing that would keep me from going out there. I’m not going to take it personally. Promise. :)

  18. MissPrissy on Aug 14, 2008 | Reply

    Aww Mare! you guys are so sweet and good to each other. I love y’all!!!

  19. Mary on Aug 14, 2008 | Reply

    Thank you honey! Love you too!! :D

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