Month Motherf’ing End
Goodness gracious am I glad this day is over. I love my job but the stress in getting the month closed … stresses me out. I’m so descriptive. There’s just no other way to put it, okay? Okay!
I started a couple of posts and even dug around in my drafts for some inspiration, tried to think of a funny story from my childhood to share… and I’m coming up with nada.
I think between MONTH MOTHERF’ING END and this toothache I’ve had since FRIDAY - my mind is otherwise occupied.
I will say, I’m doing a lot better with R away. I still cried when R and I got off the phone on Saturday. One of those “I’m not gon’ cry, I’m not gon’ cry, I’m not gonna shed no tears.” And then you choke out a big ol’ sob. Pathetic. *hold me*
But I didn’t cry while ON the phone with him - which I’m sure he appreciates. Ahem.
I have been thinking about R a lot, and things I miss about him. I wish I could say I appreciate all these things when he’s actually here but I don’t always. I know I’m not the only one that does this, as a conversation I had with my niece this weekend will attest.
I love my niece’s husband. He gets our family without having to explain a thing. Don’t you love people like that? You don’t have to sit there and explain: “Well, this is why I feel such and such”, or “This is why so-and-so and this person don’t get along.” He gets it.
I know he’s not perfect, what man is? (Ha. I’d be afraid to offend my male readers but - I don’t have any!) During our conversation, my niece confessed sometimes part of her wants to fight just to fight or she wants to say mean things because it’s easy to say them.
I understand. Sad to say, I did that up until a week before R left. I feel bad for it now. I know at the time I’m doing it that I’ll feel bad for it later. Yeah, I know it was that TOM but that’s no excuse. To even have a day or a night together now with R would make me so ridiculously happy. “Do you love me, honey? Well, do ya?!”
But you can’t turn back time. Absence definitely makes the heart grow fonder. It makes you realize all of the missed opportunities of really sharing a good time together. That’s all men ever want, right? Be easy, be fun. They’re like dogs, licking and jumping all over you. And women are like cats: I love you, okay… no I don’t. Catch me! Okay, don’t catch me. Ew. Gross. Go away.
Mostly what I have been remembering of R is what amazing advice he gives. I’m not even kidding you when I say, everyone that meets R loves him. Whatever job he’s had, whoever he may come across… he’s real. He doesn’t bullshit but he listens, and he gives the best advice.
Sometimes, what he says may not be what you’re ready to hear. Sometimes you can get bitchy and yell but when you calm down and think about it - you know he’s right.
When R told me this weekend that he almost didn’t answer the phone when I called (no caller ID), due to all the calls he gets from people in his unit… I wasn’t surprised. I got a little testy when he said GIRLS call him for counseling, too, but… other than saying, “Don’t they have HUSBANDS they can call?” I had to laugh it off. That’s R!
The best advice R ever gave me, and he’s given me plenty (he makes me want to be a better wo-man!) is after my brother passed away.
I’m not trying to bring the party down, or illicit any sympathy… but this has come up a lot lately and it’s weighing on my mind.
I think it’s since I have been talking with more people at work about more personal things, nothing major, but it’s gotten around that I have 6 brothers and 2 sisters. Nine children, right? Yeah. It can get to be a topic of conversation. “Hey, did you hear Mary’s the youngest of 9 kids?”
Right after my brother passed away (which will be a year next month), I cried to R, “I don’t want to say I have 5 brothers. How am I gonna answer that question now? It’s not small talk!”
People always seem to ask that question. Maybe it’s something you don’t realize until you notice it all the time. Like when you’re trying to get pregnant and then it seems like EVERYONE is pregnant. Bad example. Everyone IS pregnant lately. ;)
Anyway, after wailing to R that I don’t want to answer that “sibling” question ever again, he said to me plain as day, “You say whatever you want to say.” So I do. I have 6 brothers, and always will. So simple, right? I say, “Six brothers and two sisters” without further discussion while I smile to myself and think of R and R.
I may bitch, and the minutiae of every day life can get boring, or little annoying things R does around the house when he’s here can throw me over the edge… but at the end of the day, I love R more than I’ve ever loved anyone outside of myself, my kid and my family. He IS family. And I miss him terribly.
But, I’m doing a lot better. :)