Not So Blonde

Realest of the Reality

If you missed this episode of the Gauntlet II, don’t fret, it was a snoozer. Who thought having Botox Beth as team captain would shake things up a bit? You were wrong!!! Oh wait, I thought having Botox Beth as team captain would shake things up a bit - myyyy baaaad.

This mystery person, Jillian, tells Kina that Cara and Susie approached her about joining an alliance those 2 supposedly have with Timmy, Brad and some other guy. I don’t remember who. The reason I don’t remember the 3rd guy could be that the male side of the alleged role in the undercover shenanigans was never mentioned again - Cara and Susie? Not so lucky.

My question? Who cares? Oh, right, I guess they’re throwing challenges or some crap. Only, who can be sure because Susie and Cara suck at the challenges anydamnway and can any of us honestly tell if they suck because they live in constant fear of breaking a nail or they’re sucking on purpose? Cara might have some Playboy appearances lined up after she leaves Trinidad - WE JUST DON’T KNOW. Questions for the ages, my friends.

I have a much more pressing matter at hand: who saw Dave Mirra’s Oxy commercial? That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Dave. Oh, Dave. *sigh* You make me glad I don’t have TIVO, baby.

The challenge is called - ready? I mean, are you really ready, all ready? Team Strength. That’s the name. I can’t make this shit up. I can only but reminisce on the days they gave the challenges silly, goofy names. *wistful* The challenge is filled with a bunch of brute strength, picking up shit, pushing it, pulling it, lifting it. I swear I strained a calf muscle merely watching all this energy being exerted.

One funny part: When the Veterans wooden boulder broke into pieces. Ohhh, man. *snicker* That was classic. You gotta hand it to the team members, though, they picked up the pieces (literally) and ran that plywood onto the finish line! Woo hoo! Go team! They do some other stuff with a truck and there’s cinder blocks on it and the teams have to push it, Ace says to let him be the driver cause he knows how to drive, son. He knows. Why am I talking like Brad? This is Ace we’re talking about. But I can’t do Ace’s country twang like I can do Bradspeak. Son.

Susie and Cara plead and beg to help the team but are shut down. Gee, wonder why. Ace fucks up and doesn’t put the truck in the right gear or some other idiotic “I really just want to go home” maneuver. Or maybe Ace is in on the alliance - but he’s on the opposing team, isn’t he? Maybe Cara agreed to let Ace see her tits if he threw the mission. Oh, wait. Everyone has seen Cara’s tits. I don’t know anymore. I can’t keep these teams straight, my goodness. I think Timmy messes it up for me - isn’t he a Rookie? Why is a 35-year-old ever, ever ever, called a ROOKIE?

Well, the Rookies win, despite the alliance. THE ALMIGHTY ALLIANCE. Ace votes himself into the Gauntlet against Derrick - told you he wanted to go home. The Gauntlet is Beach Brawl and Julie ever-so-nicely foreshadows who the champion will be by saying she thinks Derrick made a bad choice choosing that game since Ace is bigger than Derrick. Lionel the hamster is bigger than Derrick, girlfriend, that doesn’t mean squat.

The boys go back and forth in the ring in a most testosterone-laden way - ICK. Julie further helps us understand the convoluted goings on by excitedly explaining, “Derrick only needs one more round to win!” Thanks, Julie. Way to stay on top of things. Derrick wins. Shocker.

Back at the house: Cara and Susie call a team meeting. Cara opens mouth, inserts alliance-having foot. Silly Alton and Landon were under the impression the gal pals called the meeting to address the rumors swirling around them but they only wanted to pout about not being allowed to assist in their team win. Landon comes right out and asks if they have an alliance and Cara whines oh-so-unconvincingly: “No-ohhhhh…” I believe you, Cara, I do. No-ohhhht! Susie further digs their grave by blubbering all over herself saying what a HORRIFYING THOUGHT that is! The horror! Cara’s over there, cool as a cucumber, shaking her head: Now why did I pick this caving ass bitch to have an alliance with, anyway? Damn.

Episode over. More alliance drama to ensue next episode. Yawn. We heard nary a peep out of Beth and I’m hoping for ratings sake, MTV rectifies that - stat!

Since I don’t watch nearly enough Reality TV, I stayed tuned in to the 8-Spot (It’s not on at 10 out here) and caught the latest episode of There and Back. It stars a former O-Town member, his pregnant girlfriend and her mom. Cause I wasn’t bored enough by the Gauntlet this week. Actually - it’s not as bad as it sounds and I honestly do find myself pulling for this Ashley Angel Parker Stevenson kid.

Am I the only one that thinks they can be father/son? Am I the only one that liked Parker’s character way better than Shaun Cassidy’s on the Hardy Boys? Am I the only one that thought Larry was way hotter than Ponch on CHiPs?

Am I the only one that liked Doc way better than Gopher or Isaac on the Love Boat? Super undercover secret: In the 3rd grade, me and my BFF Karen Comstock (Karen, Google yourself, dammit, and email me!) would play Love Boat in her parents den and I’d pretend I was married to Doc.

Back to 2006. This former boy band dude is trying to score a new record deal since he has, like, negative 27 bucks in the bank. I wish that was one of my bad reality TV jokes, I do. How sad! I hate having a negative balance - I hate seeing those red numbers just mocking me as I will them to turn black! Just be positive, numbers! Think: POSITIVE!

But this show isn’t about me. No, it’s about me wanting to slap a pregnant woman for the first time in my entire life. OMG. Why is this girl on bed rest but she takes off for hours at a time leaving her poor man to worry about her AND his kid while he fruitlessly dials and redials her cell phone - and she never picks up?! Then Ash throws his phone in anger which he really can’t be doing cause you can’t pay your deductible with a negative account balance, son.

Tiff strolls on in the house 3 hours later like - what? Where’s my cat? I want to pet my cat. Her mom and Ash Park Ang (homie has way too many names) sit this selfish ass girl down and tell her the risks she’s taking with her baby when she says in this snotty ass way, “I’m not the type of GIRL to lay in bed all day…” Oh, REALLLLLLLLLY? So’d you get knocked up in the back of your man’s Benz, then, sweetness? Enlighten me.

Overall this show is ehhh, okay. If you’re already a widdle bit full up on Reality TV, I wouldn’t call it a Must See - but if you’re a glutton for punishment like I so obviously am, I’ve seen worse. Although, they do have to stop having these parts in the show where Ash steps out of the scene they’re filming in the EXACT SAME CLOTHES and explains what’s going on. Shit is creepy! Cut that out!

I’m going to bed. And petting my hamster. And I’m not even pregnant. Night, chick-a-dees.

Bullets

I’m much too full to have a real post so I’ll just do the ol’ standby: bullet points.

- If you live in the Phoenix area, run - don’t walk to Zest. Located on 16th Street and Indian School. Well worth switching our Monday night dinner crew to Sunday in order to accommodate Zest’s hours. Food was delicious, as were the Green Tea Mojitos. Let’s not forget the chocolate/Grand Marnier fondue. YUM! You can even give me a call, I’ll be more than happy to go with you.

- Lionel got out of his cage on Friday night. I don’t know how and I don’t know when - all I know is I brought my brother back to my place so he wouldn’t drive drunk and L-man was OUT. I freaked for a bit, my brother said I wouldn’t find him for at least a couple days but I kept looking… and found him behind a bookcase in the living room. Bastard!

- I left a message for boss lady at the bar. I wasn’t going to but her daughters urged me to do so, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it - so I did. I wasn’t overly bitchy, I stuck to the facts and told her how I felt. It was good to get it off my chest. It’s funny because she turned around and left me another long-winded voicemail Sunday tonight. I erased it without listening to it. I knew it would only piss me off further and I’m SO done. Some people always have to have the last word but, sometimes, it just makes you look like the person who can’t let go. *smile* Have a nice life, Amina!

- I was at Target earlier and I don’t know if this is a downtown thing or what but I noticed as I was walking towards the door, this painted yellow line on the pavement with pictures of shopping carts on it. I didn’t know what the hell it was but I put it out of my mind. An hour later, when I was pushing my cart out to my car - the cart stopped DEAD once I hit that line. I’m talking, I’m almost head over feet in the basket. HOW DOES THE LINE KNOW? It was the freakiest shit, and more than a little embarrassing. I guess it pays to park closer to the front door!

- My house is probably the cleanest and cutest its ever looked after having the weekend off. Not only my bedroom, but I also redecorated the boy’s bathroom in a surfboard motif. Pictures to come. I can’t wait til he sees it but I know once he does, he’ll be like: You could have bought me a new game instead. Kids are so ungrateful.

- I went out with Nic and her man on Friday. It probably goes without saying that it’s much nicer to be waited ON than be waiting. Been too long although I had to really try at not feeling guilty for having FUN as opposed to making money.

- I bought About a Boy, Sliding Doors and The Terminal, used, at Zia Sunday afternoon. I have a thing for “quiet” movies. Movies you can put on and putz around the house. I don’t like a lot of action, loud blowing up shit, screaming or crying - it has to be something unobtrusive. All 3 fit the bill.

I guess thats about it - sorry so boring - I mostly wanted to push the bitch fest post down a notch. Night, all. I can’t wait to hit my lovely bed. xoxo